Our relationships are often a source of conflict. Too many misunderstandings, things misunderstood or afraid to be said. That’s why our daily lives are so stressful. So how can we have calmer relationships with those around us and at work? Here are 3 tips for adopting benevolent communication.

1 – Benevolent communication: don’t take things personally

We make two major mistakes that lead to conflictual relationships with others.

The first is that we take things personally. In other words, the moment someone says or does something, it’s said or done with ourselves in mind.

In fact, we think so much of the other person that we believe the other person does the same.

That’s why when the other person disappoints us, we think they’ve done it on purpose, and we get all worked up.

Because we feel like the other person’s victim. The other hurts us, mistreats us. The other is our executioner.

So how can benevolent communication help us stop taking things personally?

In fact, adopting benevolent communication means realizing that the other person doesn’t do things in relation to us, that we’re not part of the equation.

The other person does things in relation to himself. It’s not selfish, it’s just the way it is.

Indeed, it’s time to realize that we are all at the forefront of our own lives.

Yet, if we tend to take things personally, it’s because we’ve surely forgotten this fact.

In other words, I invite you to do a visualization exercise: imagine you’re in a movie theater, watching the movie of your life. Who do you most want to see on the screen? You do!

So why are you always harping on about what other people are doing or saying? Why do you give them so much space and power over your own life?

I do this visualization exercise regularly. It’s liberating and helps me to extricate myself from all kinds of false conflicts.

2 – Don’t make assumptions

Caring communication means making the decision to stop making assumptions.

Yet we spend our days doing just that, imagining why our colleague didn’t say hello to us this morning, why our husband or wife said such and such last night…

In fact, there are too many “whys” in our heads to which we try to give answers.

Answers that are often terrible, and that hurt us.

Indeed, we tend to see the worst, so we come up with explanations that make our stomachs hurt and stress us.

What if we stopped?

That’s a decision you have to make.

Personally, I often catch myself making assumptions. Because it’s human and also because we’ve learned to do it, I think.

Because guessing is easier than asking for explanations.

That’s why when I catch myself making assumptions, I make the decision to stop. And that really changes everything. I stop hurting myself and creating unnecessary tension in my relationships.

3 – Caring communication: asking for explanations

For me, the basis of benevolent communication, and indeed the basis of any relationship, is the ability to ask for explanations.

Because while it’s easy for us to spend hours taking things personally and inventing a whole host of suppositions to explain someone’s behavior, it’s almost impossible for us to simply ask the person concerned for an explanation.

Why is that?

Because asking for explanations is embarrassing. Firstly, because we realize that the behavior that requires explanation is actually quite harmless.

Example: Why didn’t you say hello to me this morning?

In fact, after the fact, we say to ourselves: is it really serious? Do I really need an explanation?

Then, asking for explanations can be embarrassing, because it’s not at all trivial and it affects us in a very special way.

Example: Why did you say last night that you couldn’t take it anymore, that you needed a change of scene? What did you want to say? How did you feel when you said that? And what do you really need?

Indeed, this is not a trivial subject.

So, rather than asking for explanations, and therefore inevitably receiving answers we don’t always want to hear, we prefer to position ourselves as victims or make assumptions, but without communicating with the other person.

Yes, asking for explanations in the context of benevolent communication is scary.

I know a thing or two about that (laughs).

And yet, for me, it’s the key to calm relationships with others.

When I need to ask for explanations, I always let the other person know that I need them. In fact, I don’t interrogate the person. I come simply because I need to understand, not to explain. Can you see the difference?

Learn more about:

I invite you to read these 2 complementary articles:

Discover Improving communication and avoiding conflict: 5 tips
Discover How to communicate easily? Best 4 tips for better relationships

I recommend this inspiring book on the subject:

Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life: Life-Changing Tools for Healthy Relationships by Marshall B. Rosenberg
This timeless book outlines the concept of non-violent communication and offers practical ways to forge meaningful connections with others.
I love the fact that I’ve learned to communicate better. It also helped me adopt an attitude and talk to others who are angry. It helped me express my wants and needs in my relationships.
This book has transformed me. I can’t wait to read it again…

Thank you very much for reading this article.

If you liked it, let me know in the comments.

Take care of yourself.