How can we trust others? It’s a question that often comes up, because in the past we’ve been disappointed and even betrayed by people. Today, we’re distrustful, and it’s as if we can no longer trust. And yet, to be happy, we need good relationships. How can we get out of this spiral? How about going back to basics? Here are 6 steps to Zen relationships.

1 – Understanding our personal history is the first step to trusting others

First of all, to get back to the basics of a healthy relationship, it’s essential to understand one thing: we all have a personal history.

Don Miguel Ruiz talks about this in his book that changed my life: “The Voice of Knowledge”. He explains that we are all the main characters in our own personal story. In other words, I’m the main character in my story, and you’re the secondary character. And, you’re the main character in your story and I’m the secondary character.

In his book, Don Miguel Ruiz invites us to imagine that our personal stories are like movie theaters. He explains that if you came to the film of my personal story and saw yourself on the screen as a secondary character, you probably wouldn’t recognize yourself. I see you through my story and my eyes. In the same way, if I came to see the film of your personal story, I wouldn’t recognize myself in the secondary role you’re giving me.

2 – You are the most important person in your story

Now that you’ve realized that you’re the main character in your story, it’s time to accept that you’re the most important person in your story.

I know this won’t be easy, because it implies that we could become selfish and egocentric. Not at all!

Accepting to become the main character in our story means understanding two things.

The first is that we must be careful not to forget ourselves. Indeed, we tend to think a lot about others and do a lot for others . Yes, we’ve learned from an early age to satisfy other people’s needs, and not really our own.

However, by maintaining this belief that you must satisfy the needs of others, you give the main role in your story to people other than yourself.

I’m not saying you shouldn’t look after others, take care of them, please them, listen to them, encourage them, not at all! I’m just saying don’t give them the starring role.

You’re in the lead, so take care of yourself, your needs, your desires, your projects, your problems! It’s a priority.

Do you know why? Because no one else will do it for you.

3 – Taking care of yourself to trust others

Often, when we give a lot to others, we expect the same from them. That’s when relationships become unhealthy.

In a healthy relationship, everyone looks after themselves . Why is that? Quite simply, because you’re not in the other person’s head, and the other person is not in your head.

I’ll go even further. Sometimes you think you’re giving so much to others, but it’s not what they want or need from you. But since you haven’t asked them and you’re not in their head, you don’t know. So you do a lot, you give a lot, but you get nothing in return.

How can I trust others? By stopping exhausting yourself, sometimes unnecessarily, and taking care of yourself instead.

Most of the people you come into contact with don’t need you to do them any favors or give them advice; all they want is for you to be fully happy and to be good company.

4 – Free yourself from the fear of others’ gaze

Now that you’ve understood that you don’t exist to satisfy others, understand that you don’t have to live in fear of other people’s gaze.

In fact, we tend to live in constant fear of what the other person might think. Yes, when we do something, rather than asking ourselves if it makes us happy, we wonder what the other person will think of us.

What if we didn’t give a damn? What if we lived by the belief that we’re the main character in our story and the other person is the main character in theirs?

In other words, we’re free to do what we want!

How can we trust others? The secret is to give yourself the right to disappoint others, and to give others the same right. Yes, others have the right to disappoint us, to change their minds, to think differently and to do differently.

We’re free of everything. You have all these rights too. Don’t lock yourself up in other people’s eyes. It’s far less important than your own. Do what’s right for you and you’ll be at peace.

5 – Trust yourself to trust others

I’m aware that what I’m writing may upset you a little. I know that many of us are very attached to others, that we want to do good, that we don’t want to make waves or disappoint. ..

It’s time to overcome our fear and have confidence in ourselves.

We think we can’t overcome the other person’s gaze, we think we can’t survive a break-up, a relationship that disappears, we think we can’t bear to lose someone’s esteem…

Let’s get back to basics. We are the main character in our story, and we are the secondary characters in other people’s stories.

Others see us as they want to see us. In fact, it’s not up to us. Yet we live as if it did.

It’s time to take a deep breath and release all the pressure we’re putting on ourselves.

We can survive and overcome anything. Someone leaves, someone cuts ties, someone disappoints us? Go back to basics: you’re the main character in your story. Other people can’t influence your story. You write it. You see yourself as you want to see yourself, you do what you feel is right for you.

Don’t let other people’s looks and behavior put you in doubt. You’re a good person and you can be disappointed and still go on living.

6 – Trusting others

How can I trust others? You’ve just understood that, above all, it means understanding that you are free of everything, that the other person is also free of everything, that each of us must take care of our own happiness and stop putting it in the hands of someone else who isn’t in our head and who doesn’t understand our needs and desires.

Trusting others means agreeing to give freely to someone, without ever forgetting ourselves; it means giving the other person the right to leave, to disappoint us and to change his or her mind; it means understanding that the other person is not there to satisfy us, and that we don’t have to satisfy him or her either.

It’s repeating these things to yourself every day.

It means loving and respecting ourselves, and loving and respecting others for as long as they freely choose to share our path.

Trusting others means taking the risk of opening up, of taking time, of giving, of seeing the person go, and of having enough confidence in ourselves to keep moving forward and opening up again and again.

Don’t wait for others to be perfect before you love them.

Don’t expect unfailing loyalty and fidelity from others.

In fact, don’t wait for anything but laughter to share and beautiful moments. When all that’s gone, feel your emotions: anger, sadness, then go on living peacefully, without fear.

Learn more about:

I invite you to read these 2 complementary articles:

Discover How to better manage your emotions: 5 steps to a more serene life
Discover How to communicate easily? Best 4 tips for better relationships

I recommend this inspiring book on the subject:

The Husband’s Secret by Liane Moriarty

This novel is based on the lives of three women struggling with secrets, trust and the consequences of decisions made in the past.
I missed many hours of sleep reading this book. As I hadn’t read any of the author’s books before, I really didn’t know what to expect. But this book did not disappoint! I didn’t read it until bedtime, so it took me a while to understand the characters and their roles, but it’s a brilliantly tale.

Thank you very much for reading this article.

If you liked it, let me know in the comments.

Take care of yourself.