Are reproaches in a relationship poisonous? How should we react? We often don’t know what to do in the face of reproaches. Should we run away or get angry? In fact, reproaches damage the couple, which is why I’m sharing with you 3 tips on how to get out of them.

1 – Look for the needs behind blame in your relationship

In fact, to put an end to reproaches in the couple, those reproaches that damage the relationship, it’s essential to understand what’s behind them.

Why do we reproach our partner? Why does our partner reproach us?

Because there’s a need behind it.

But we haven’t learned to express our needs, let alone make clear requests.

So we reproach. In fact, we grumble, we shout to say, “That doesn’t suit me.”

Yes, reproaches in a relationship are bad, but only because it’s the form that hurts.

But, if we agree to look beyond the form, we can finally get to the heart of the matter.

In fact, today I’m celebrating 9 years since I met my husband. It’s crazy when I think about it.

Because before my apprenticeship to happiness, my couples never lasted more than 3 or 4 years.

In fact, what I’ve learned to do is to transform reproaches within the couple, by trying to understand my husband’s needs.

What does he need? What’s important to him?

Because we’re all clumsy. That’s why we mustn’t be angry with our partner when he reproaches us, but know how to find the need behind it.

Because I reproach myself. Because it’s easier to reproach than to say “I need”.

In other words, let’s be kind and even compassionate when there’s blame in the relationship.

2 – Challenging yourself after being reproached as a couple

Secondly, when you receive reproaches in your relationship, it’s essential to know how to question yourself.

Quite simply, because we’re not perfect and we make mistakes.

In fact, if we think we’re perfect, if we say to ourselves: “The other person must love me as I am”, then we’re heading for disaster.

Because we live as a couple, we live with another person who is different from us and therefore has different needs.

What’s more, if we’re totally honest, we can recognize that the other person is regularly subjected to our mood swings, and that we often lack benevolence towards this person.

We no longer have any filters, and sometimes enough is enough.

Finally, we live in the same house, and it’s not always easy to share your living space with someone who’s different from you, who doesn’t organize themselves in the same way or whatever.

That’s why, when it comes to reproaches within a couple, it’s essential that the person on the receiving end of the reproaches calls himself or herself into question.

But that’s not all.

In fact, it’s essential that the other person questions himself too.

Because we need to check whether the reproaches are “fair”. In other words, whether we’re not reproaching the other person for something they can’t change, because that’s what they are, and we have to accept their different way of thinking, living, organizing themselves and so many other things besides.

3 – Don’t devalue yourself either

We need to question ourselves, but not devalue ourselves either.

It makes me smile when I write all this, because all these things I’ve learned: look for the need, question myself and don’t devalue myself either.

Because we can devalue ourselves enormously when we’re reproached as a couple.

You feel rejected and start to panic.

That’s why it’s essential to learn to step back. Maybe we’ve made a mistake, maybe we’ve been a pain for some time.

And, our partner is telling us, “Stop, this can’t go on.”

He or she hasn’t said to us: “I don’t love you anymore, you’re an unbearable person…”

In fact, our partner is telling us: “I need to rethink the way we operate in certain areas.”

In other words, let’s not devalue ourselves. It happens to everyone, every day.

What’s more, we’re not here to be perfect.

And if you’re the one doing the blaming, be careful not to generalize. Example: You’re always or always.

Take care to be precise so that the person doesn’t feel devalued.

Learn to say: “Yesterday, I didn’t like it when… or when this happened and you… I didn’t like it.”

Find out more:

I invite you to read these 2 complementary articles:

Discover How to save your relationship? 5 mistakes to avoid making
Discover Couples crisis: 3 magic steps to get through it gently

In addition, I recommend this inspiring book on the subject:

Why We Love: The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love by Helen Fisher

The author’s unique approach to exploring love includes insights into the brain chemistry behind emotions, which can contribute to a better understanding of blame and conflict in relationships.
This book encouraged me to move forward step by step, day by day, to make plans for the future and enjoy my new life without wasting time placing blame. What’s more, it gave me hope and helped me understand what lies behind these underlying causes.
A very useful book!

Thank you so much for reading this article.

If you liked it, let me know in the comments.

Take care of yourself.