Other people’s words can do us good or harm us. What can we do when words offend us? Too often, we become aggressive and our relationships become increasingly fragile. What if we could live more zen relationships by learning to relax in the face of remarks? Here are 4 tips for accepting other people’s remarks.

1 – Accept feedback: challenge yourself

Before we feel attacked by a remark, let’s breathe and ask ourselves 3 questions:

am I really confident about the subject?
Am I getting angry because I don’t feel listened to?
Or am I tense about something other than this conversation and it’s just an excuse for me to get angry?
If we don’t feel confident about the subject we’re talking about, no matter what the person in front of us says, it’s bound to awaken the fearful beast that is lack of self-confidence.

So, rather than jumping down the person’s throat, let’s say: “Look, I don’t really feel confident about this subject. That’s why I’d like us to change the subject.”

Accepting other people’s remarks also means accepting that sometimes the other person is not a good listener.

It happens to everyone. Either we take a breath and decide to let go. Or, we clearly ask to be listened to : “You know, this subject is very important to me and I need you to listen to me with kindness. I don’t need advice, I need your attention and your confidence in me.”

And, if we notice that we were pissed off in advance, let’s take a breath and be honest with the other person: “I apologize, I’m super pissed off and it’s making me touchy. Can we change the subject?”

2 – Detach yourself from the other person’s gaze

If, after questioning ourselves, the other person is still critical, let’s breathe. (Yes, it’s important to breathe… )

Sometimes we’re faced with someone who’s simply critical on this subject (and indeed on all subjects…).

To relax, let’s understand that the person is talking more about himself than about us.

In her book “The Power of Acceptance”, Lise Bourbeau explains this idea very well, which can change our relationship with other people’s remarks.

“The other is my mirror.

She says there’s no such thing as fear for others; in fact, we’re afraid for ourselves.

When someone criticizes you, it’s the same thing. It simply means that if that person were in the same situation as you, he’d criticize himself, and this is what he’d say to himself.

In other words, breathe. Most of the things people say about you, they’re actually saying about themselves. This works for you too, of course: whatever you say to others, you say to yourself.

That’s why we need to detach ourselves from the gaze of others, because it doesn’t concern us. Isn’t that wonderful news?

3 – Accepting feedback: laughing at yourself

Yes, if the 2 previous keys don’t work, here’s the 3rd: laugh at yourself.

It’s the Dalai Lama and Desmond Tutu: two Nobel Peace Prize winners who invite us to laugh at ourselves in “The Book of Joy”.

“Life isn’t simple, and laughter is the best way to combat contempt, cruelty and uncertainty.”

They explain that when we take ourselves too seriously, as we do when we don’t accept other people’s remarks, we actually isolate ourselves from others. Other people are part of our big family: human beings.

To laugh is to open up to others, to our extended family.

I know it’s hard to laugh at ourselves and our shortcomings, but it’s even harder to live in isolation from everyone else.

That’s why here are a few ideas for learning to laugh at yourself:

What can I laugh about? What’s my weakness, what’s my flaw?
Can I laugh at myself the next time I act out?
Can I laugh at life and the “nasty tricks” it sometimes plays on us: making us late. ..
Every time we laugh at ourselves or at a situation, we send a signal to others that they can approach us. In fact, we’re more inclined to approach someone who’s laughing than someone who’s getting angry.

In fact, the question here is: what’s in it for us, what makes us happy? Is it in being right and getting angry to prove it? Or is it in getting along and understanding?

Accepting other people’s remarks means accepting to laugh at ourselves. It means understanding that we are not perfect, and that we urgently need to accept this.

4 – Accept feedback: relax

I don’t think there areany right answers to other people’s comments, just right reactions.

Let’s understand thataccepting other people’s remarks means accepting others and accepting ourselves.

Other people have the right to say what they think, while respecting us of course. If we feel they don’t respect us, it’s up to us to assert ourselves.

But as we’ve just seen, the other person’s remark is merely a reflection of his own worldview. How can we hold a grudge? How can we force him to change his vision? Who are we to do this?

That’s why I say that accepting other people’s remarks means accepting them as they are and respecting what they think.

If we need to listen, let’s ask for it clearly, otherwise let the other person simply express themselves.

Life is not a competition, we have nothing to prove, so let’s relax.

Learn more about:

I invite you to read these 2 complementary articles:

Discover How to trust others: 6 steps to zen relationships
Discover Difficulty relaxing: Big mistakes to avoid making

I recommend this inspiring book on the subject:

You Are a Badass: How to Stop Doubting Your Greatness and Start Living an Awesome Life by Jen Sincero
Jen Sincero’s book provides great self-love and empowerment advice, inspiring us to accept our true value and not be overly impacted by the opinions of others.
I truly enjoy the author and her direct approach. It might be a bit blunt for some, but if you’re looking for someone to put it quite straightforwardly, this is the book for you.
All the right advice in just one book! I liked this book so much that I bought four copies and gave them to friends and family. I just wish I’d read it sooner…

Thank you very much for reading this article.

If you liked it, let me know in the comments.

Take care of yourself.