Do you have to be selfish to be happy? It’s a question we ask ourselves when our relationships exhaust us. We feel we’ve given so much, but nothing in return. We look at our loved ones and wonder: how do they manage to be so happy? What if being selfish is the key to happiness?

What does it mean to be selfish?

The definition of selfishness

Here’s what the dictionary says:

Excessive attachment to self and self-interest, disregarding the interests of others.

Here’s an enlightening definition:

“To be selfish is to want others to take care of our needs before their own; it’s to take for ourselves at the expense of others; it’s to believe that others are responsible for our happiness. In this way, it’s the opposite of true love.”

Who are the real egoists?

What I’m about to say may not appeal to you, but if you could read the words that follow, read them and think about them, they could transform your relationships and therefore your life.

In fact, when we call others selfish, we’re often being selfish ourselves.

Here’s an example:

When we criticize our partner for sitting on the sofa after work because we want him to cook, we’re being selfish. Our partner has the right to use his time as he sees fit. He has the right to rest, if he wants to.

“Forcing her to cook because we don’t feel like it means putting our needs before hers. So we’re selfish…

Of course, we have the right to express our need to our partner: “I’m tired and don’t feel like cooking. Can we think of a solution?”

Do you have to be selfish to be happy?

My answer is: No, we don’t have to be selfish to be happy. In fact, the opposite is true.

Indeed, asking others to satisfy our needs to the detriment of their own is the best way to destroy our relationships.

I think we make the mistake of believing that our happiness depends on others. We’re big enough, strong enough and capable enough to build our own happiness, to satisfy our own needs.

On the other hand, we will always need others to be MORE happy. Indeed, we will receive love and affection from others, provided we leave them free to do what they want, and provided we are able to do what is good for us.

How can we put an end to selfishness and be happier?

1 – Taking responsibility for our own happiness

Happiness lies within us, in the way we look at our lives, the person we are and the people around us.

Our happiness is our own, and we are responsible for it.

But where do we find our happiness? In the search for ourselves, in the knowledge of our needs, our dreams, our likes and dislikes.

We have a duty to achieve! Life is precious, it’s a gift. To appreciate it at its true value: love to do what we do and do what we love. Let’s stop wasting our talents.

2 – No more expectations

Our happiness lies in our responsibility! In other words, we no longer need someone else to make us happy. This frees us from expectations, for our greater happiness and that of others too.

Let’s face it: the search for oneself takes time, patience and gentleness. Knowing ourselves is a lifelong task, so how can we put this quest in someone else’s hands?

Let’s take it back! And free the other!

“The others become the icing on the cake.

Our loved ones are no longer responsible for our happiness; they are “extras” to our happiness.

3 – Being selfish: differentiating between “pleasing” and “loving

Here’s another wake-up call to put an end to selfishness: let’s differentiate between the words “please” and “love”.

As long as we have expectations of others, we are selfish. Those around us don’t have to satisfy our needs. They can refuse our requests.

Just because someone refuses me something and doesn’t please me, doesn’t mean they don’tlove me.

And of course, the opposite is true. We don’t have to please everyone, all the time, in order to be loved.

This difference brings us back to two important points:

Our loved ones can deny us things without being unloving towards us. They’re not being selfish by sacrificing their needs for ours.
We have the right to refuse to satisfy the need of someone close to us. We are not being selfish by sacrificing one of our own needs for that of our loved one.
In other words, if we choose to respond to a loved one’s need, it’s because we WANT to, because we don’t have to!

4 – How can I refuse a request without being selfish?

Maybe you’re thinking, “How do you deny a loved one a need? “

It’s called assertiveness.

Self-affirmation means granting oneself the right to exist, while granting others the same right.

“Here’s what I think, here’s what I feel, and I’m ready to listen to what you think and what you feel.”

Assertiveness is the key to good relations with others.

Asserting yourself means giving yourself the right to make requests, and giving the other person the right to accept or refuse. The other person also has the right to make requests of us, and we have the right to accept or refuse.

To refuse, all we have to do is assert ourselves (give ourselves the right to exist) and… REFUSE!

Indeed, we don’t need to justify ourselves and get lost in the details.

Refusal doesn’t necessarily mean a categorical no. It can mean suggesting something else or doing things differently:

No, I can’t baby-sit for you this Saturday. I can next Saturday.
No, I can’t finish the file tonight, but I suggest you come in early tomorrow morning.

5 – How can I ask for something without being selfish?

What do we do when our needs are different from those of a loved one? Just ask!

When we want to ask for something, here are a few rules to follow:

Clearly identifying what we want. This requires us to take responsibility for our needs, which can be scary. Who am I to ask for this? My answer is that we have the right! After all, our needs are just as important as those of others. If we need help with the dishes or anything else, let’s ask!
Make your request clear and brief. No need to get bogged down in details and justifications.
Let’s ask and leave the other person free and responsible for his or her response.
Let’s be ready to negotiate

Learn more about:

I invite you to read these 2 complementary articles:

Discover Active listening: 4 steps to making others happy
Discover How to find time to be happy: 3 guidelines

I recommend this inspiring book on the subject:

The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand
This classic novel traces the life of Howard Roark, an innovative independent architect who never wavered from his principles. He tackles the idea of pursuing his vision and happiness without undermining his personal values.
A very entertaining read. I couldn’t put it down.

Thank you very much for reading this article.

If you liked it, let me know in the comments.

Take care of yourself.