The fear of disappointing one’s parents is present at all ages. We don’t want to hurt our parents’ feelings. We want good relationships, we want them to be proud of us. And, at the same time, we want to be ourselves. So how can we be ourselves when it goes against our parents’ wishes? How do you have the courage to free yourself from your parents? Here are 8 tips to help you emancipate yourself with peace of mind.

1 – Fear of disappointing parents

The fear of disappointing your parents is normal. Yes, we’ve been brought up on a system of reward and punishment. Indeed, when we did what our parents expected of us, we were rewarded, and when we did the opposite, we were punished.

That’s why we soon understood that we had to be good and behave in the right way, even if it went against our personality and desires.

The point here is not to criticize our parents’ education, but rather to understand why, even though we’re no longer children, we still have this reflex to want to please our parents at all costs.

It’s simply ingrained in us.

That’s why we need to change this reflex, this ingrained behavior.

2 – Live your life to free yourself from your parents

As children, we needed our parents. They took care of us. But now it’s time to take flight and free ourselves.

And that’s where a lot of us get stuck. I was stuck for a long time. Without even realizing it.

In fact, I was so afraid of disappointing my mother, afraid of becoming too different, of experiencing life too differently, that I forbade myself from living my life to the full.

But there comes a time when you have to live your life and free yourself from your parents.

In fact, we’re not here to reproduce our parents’ lives; we’re not even here to live the life they dreamed of, but couldn’t have.

In fact, you’re here to live YOUR life. Your life. A life that’s all yours, and all you’re passionate about.

That can be scary. It really is.

But it’s our gift, our mission on Earth.

You can do it, and you deserve it.

It was when I understood this, when I accepted it, that I was finally able to live my life and be happy, truly happy.

3 – Have the courage to free yourself from your parents

So, yes, living your own life can be scary. It’s really scary, in fact (laughs), and that’s normal!

Because we haven’t learned how to live our lives.

In fact, throughout our childhood, we learned to obey, to be validated by the grown-ups around us.

And, now that we’re more or less grown-ups, we don’t know how to live our lives.

How do we go about it? Where do we start?

Where can we find the courage to free ourselves from our parents?

This courage is within you. Within your reach.

Of course, right now, you’re not sure. That’s why I invite you to build up your courage.

Start small. With small decisions that belong to you alone. You can start with new clothing choices, a new haircut, new gastronomic or cinematographic choices…

In fact, go where you feel like going without ever having dared to do so. Because courage means overcoming your fears, one by one.

That’s why take your time. Take one step, followed by another and so on.

There’s no rush. You’ll get there.

4 – Don’t take things personally

The most important thing to understand about freeing yourself from your parents is that you don’t go to war with them. It doesn’t make sense. In fact, it would have the opposite effect of what we’re looking for.

In fact, what we’re looking for is to be happy in our own way, to be ourselves.

And it’s not by rejecting our parents that we’ll succeed in being happy.

In fact, understand that your parents make awkward, unfortunate remarks about you and your life, because they’re projecting themselves onto you.

They’re projecting their fears and their dreams onto you.

That’s just the way it is. That’s human.

Understand that they don’t do it on purpose, they’re locked in their projections. They can’t understand that your life isn’t fear and that you’re not them.

All this has to be learned, and they haven’t learned it yet. Probably because their parents haven’t taught them.

That’s why freeing yourself from your parents is to stop taking things personally.

In fact, when your parents talk about you, they’re talking about them, not you.

5 – Asserting yourself to free yourself from your parents

We weren’t taught to be assertive. Being assertive means understanding that our needs are just as important as those of others. Not more, but not less either.

We’ve learned to satisfy other people’s needs, but not really our own. In fact, we’ve even been led to believe that it’s up to others to satisfy ours.

But we’ve been waiting for a while for someone to satisfy our needs, but nothing comes… (laughs)

Because it’s a lie to believe that it’s up to others to satisfy our needs and that it’s up to us to satisfy those of others. It’s a lie that’s all the more dangerous because it keeps making our relationships toxic.

That’s why, to free ourselves from our parents, it’s essential to understand that a healthy relationship is one in which each person feels free to satisfy his or her own needs.

This doesn’t mean you can’t please or even take care of the other person. But this is no longer an obligation, it’s a gift of self. It’s quite different.

But how do you learn to assert yourself?

Start by satisfying your needs: what do you need to be happy? What can you do for yourself to get there?

6 – Reconnect with yourself, often

We need others to be fully happy, we need warm, caring human contact.

Unfortunately, these contacts aren’t always so. Quite simply because we project ourselves onto others, and in the end we’re not sure whether we’re doing things to please others or because we really want to do them.

So, how do we find our way around?

For that, I wholeheartedly invite you to take regular time out to reconnect with yourself. At least once a week. 10 minutes can be enough.

In fact, sit down in a comfortable place and close your eyes.

Check in with yourself: how are you feeling? How do you feel? What do you want or need right now? What makes you happy? What’s stressing you out?

Take stock. Come back to yourself, to what’s going on inside you, to your needs and desires.

After all, how can we free ourselves from our parents if we don’t even know who we are or what’s going on inside us?

7 – Practice gratitude and kindness

Freeing yourself from your parents doesn’t mean rejecting them. So, sometimes it’s necessary, because parents are really too authoritarian.

But most of the time, it won’t be.

That’s why I wholeheartedly invite you to practice gratitude and kindness towards your parents.

Because, very often, behind your parents’ fears, there’s an enormous amount of love for you.

That said, it’s not about pleasing them, because they love us.

It’s simply about focusing on the love behind their awkwardness.

Because it’s quite possible that by listening to our parents’ invective, we’re doubting their love for us.

That’s why I invite you to practice gratitude as a first step.

Learn to say thank you to your parents. They changed your diapers, fed you. They looked after you. Thank them.

Then, practice kindness.

Learn to see behind their fears, their love. Learn to focus on their qualities rather than their faults.

In fact, choosing peace over rejection is the best way to free yourself from your parents.

8 – Letting go to free yourself from your parents

Understand that you can’t change your parents. So why should they change you?

You don’t have the power to change them, so they don’t have the power to change you when you refuse to do so.

My relationships changed completely, they calmed down as soon as I understood that I didn’t have the power to change others and that others didn’t have the power to change me.

In fact, we are what we are, and that’s just fine.

That’s why we need to let go. Let’s stop wanting others to be different, especially our parents.

Let them be as they are. Stop wanting them to be different, to expect things of them that they are not.

Accept them. Let go.

Just as you let go of what your parents want you to be. Accept being you and being different from their expectations.

Find out more:

I invite you to read these 2 complementary articles:

Discover Speaking out: 6 steps to say what you want and stop being silent
Discover Saying no: 5 steps to daring to refuse a request

I recommend this inspiring book:

White Oleander by Janet Fitch
The novel focuses on Astrid, a teenager navigating the foster care system following her mother’s imprisonment. It’s a strong and powerful exploration of autonomy, self-discovery and freedom from the influence of a toxic parent.
Her prose is rich and delicate. It is hypnotic, stimulating, complex and moving. I recommend this book without reservation. It grabs you by the gut and makes you want to cry, but it’s devoid of sentiment and self-pity. A must-read.

Thank you very much for reading this article.

If you liked it, let me know in the comments.

Take care of yourself