Because these days, we may have everything we need to be happy, but we’re not. We wonder what’s wrong with us, without understanding that happiness isn’t about ticking boxes. Happiness is something else entirely. Here are 7 things to stop doing when you’re not happy.

Why aren’t we happy in life?

Because we haven’t learned to be happy, to have self-confidence, to manage our emotions, stress and anxiety.

Because we haven’t learned to set and achieve heartfelt goals, to be and stay motivated.

And because we haven’t learned to manage conflict and lay the foundations for healthy relationships.

In fact, we were thrown into adult life with a to-do list to tick off: get a job, get married, have kids, buy a house, a car, have a slim body… with nothing else.

And today, on paper, we have everything we need to be happy, but we’re not, or not happy enough.

In fact, the further we go in life, the more we notice how much this lack of self-confidence handicaps us, how much the fear of other people’s gaze weighs us down, how tired we are of our emotions.

We look at our life and we don’t like it.

I know, because I’ve lived it.

In my life, I’ve struggled to tick the boxes of happiness.

And when I’d ticked almost all of them, I realized that I still wasn’t happy. What a shock!

How, after all I’d done, was I still not happy?

And then I began to realize my lack of self-confidence, my fear of how others looked at me, my emotions that I didn’t understand, my conflicting relationships… and I decided to be happy for real.

So I sought advice. I trained myself in happiness, because yes, I discovered that happiness can be learned.

And I believe that what I learned should be taught at school so that we all know how to be happy.

1 – Wasting time

We’re not happy because we waste our time checking off boxes that don’t make us happy, or that aren’t enough to make us fully happy.

Does happiness come down to our professional, social or family situation?

Of course not, but it took us a long time and a lot of effort to realize it.

And, today, we’re exhausted, lost and maybe even angry.

I know all this because I’ve been there too.

So, imagine now that you stopped wasting your time chasing boxes that didn’t suit you, what would change? What would you do differently?

That’s the question I asked myself, and everything changed. Today, I’m living a life that suits me, that’s just me, because I’ve learned to stop doing what others do, comparing myself or listening to other people’s opinions.

You too can learn.

2 – Not having self-confidence when you’re not happy

We’re not happy because we don’t have self-confidence. We’ve never learned that. If anything, we’ve learned to lack self-confidence.

If, like me, your teachers told you to try harder and harder, if, like me, they made you believe that you didn’t have what it takes to get where you want to go…

How can you have self-confidence when the adults of your childhood told you that you weren’t good enough, that you weren’t intelligent enough?

So, imagine now that you had self-confidence, what would change? What would you do differently?

For my part, since I’ve learned to have confidence in myself, everything has changed. I dared to do my dream job, I dared to learn new things, to have new passions.

Above all, I dared to be happy. I think that’s the most important thing, because you have to have self-confidence to dare to be happy.

You too can learn.

3 – Not knowing how to manage your emotions

We’re not happy because we don’t know how to manage our emotions. Worse, we’re afraid of them.

And, by cutting ourselves off from our emotions, by pretending they’re not there, we’re cutting ourselves off from our best allies in living the life we’re passionate about.

Yes, our emotions are our guides, our compasses. They tell us whether our needs are being met or not.

So, if you knew how to manage your emotions, if they were your compass, what would change? What would you do differently?

For me, everything has changed. I’m a very sensitive person, too sensitive, and I easily feel all kinds of emotions at an extreme level of intensity. Before, my emotions exhausted me and even scared me a little.

Today, I’ve learned to be curious about my emotions and kind to myself. My emotions really help me to get to know myself, and thanks to them, I feel like I’ve grown and evolved.

You too can learn.

4 – Not knowing how to manage stress and anxiety

We’re not happy because we don’t know how to manage our stress and anxiety.

Just before I decided to learn to be happy, I saw a doctor for a health problem.

She told me: “You’re too stressed. You’re crazy. Do yoga.”

I’m still shocked by this hasty diagnosis and advice.

“You’re crazy.”

Indeed, there’s no better way to stop being afraid of stress and anxiety, is there? (laughs)

Because that’s what I realized when I learned to be happy, that the problem isn’t stress and anxiety, but rather our relationship with them.

It’s because we panic at the sensation of stress and anxiety, it’s because we’d like them to disappear from our lives, that we resist with all our might.

But what we need is gentleness and compassion. And above all, our own gentleness and compassion.

So, imagine that you knew how to manage your stress and anxiety, that you’d learned to live with them with serenity, what would change? What would you do differently?

What has changed for me is the way I take care of myself. Before, I used to do a lot of harm to myself with my stress and anxiety, convinced that it wasn’t normal, that I wasn’t normal.

Today, I know that I just need to take good care of myself, that I need more gentleness and kindness than some people, that’s all.

5 – Not knowing how to set and achieve goals when you’re not happy

We’re not happy because we don’t know how to set and achieve our goals.

First of all, because the goals we set are not our own, but those on the famous To-Do list: get a job, get married, have children, have a slim body…

And that’s why we never manage to achieve these goals, which, deep down, don’t really make us want to.

A real goal is something that puts butterflies in your stomach, something that makes your stomach turn because it’s so important to you.

Can you tell the difference?

And, to achieve it, we haven’t learned to be persistent and patient. It’s a necessary step.

So, if you set yourself the right goals and knew how to achieve them, what would change? What would you do differently?

For me, everything has changed. Before, I didn’t set myself any goals at all. I wasn’t moving forward, I was treading water. And I remember feeling angry and also jealous of those people who were moving on with their lives.

Today, I have fun setting goals for myself. Yes, I’m having fun. It’s amazing how far I’ve come (laughs).

6 – Not laying the foundations for a healthy relationship with others when you’re not happy

We’re not happy because we don’t know how to lay the foundations for healthy relationships with others.

In fact, the further along we get, the more we see toxic relationships all around us. The further we go, the less we trust others.

Because we trust too quickly, because we expect too much of others, or because we’re too nice.

So, imagine knowing how to lay the foundations for strong, healthy relationships, what would change? What would you do differently?

Since I’ve learned to do this, my relationships are much lighter and happier. In fact, I instinctively distance myself from relationships that weigh me down. And I no longer waste my time and joie de vivre feeling guilty about it.

7 – Not knowing how to accept life’s trials and how to bounce back

We’re not happy because we don’t know how to deal with life’s trials and tribulations.

In fact, we’ve learned to sink or pretend that everything’s fine. Both extremes.

So much so that we end up not trusting life itself. We become afraid of it, and sometimes even uninterested in it.

Since I’ve learned to accept life’s trials and tribulations, my life has never been the same.

I used to have periods of despair. I would regularly sink into sadness. I no longer believed in anything.

But today, I bounce back much more quickly, I’ve stopped hurting myself more than necessary. Because we’re hurting ourselves when we cling to our sadness.

Life isn’t perfect, but it’s simple and beautiful as soon as we accept everything about it. As soon as we stop believing we can control everything.

That’s one of the most valuable lessons I’ve learned.

Find out more:

I invite you to read these 2 complementary articles:

Discover How to be happy despite a painful past: 5 helpful tips
Discover Learn to be happy: 7 tips for being happy in all circumstances

I recommend this inspiring book:

The Happy Mind: A Simple Guide to Living a Happier Life Starting Today by Kevin Horsley and Louis Fourie

The authors address the question of why a person might not be happy in life. The book offers a practical, accessible guide to cultivating happiness by exploring the fundamental principles of positive psychology and personal development. It provides ideas, exercises and strategies for changing your mindset and creating a more satisfying life. In essence, this book serves as a roadmap for people seeking to understand and improve their level of happiness.

This book was an effortless and very enjoyable read. The content is very natural and neither pretentious nor complicated. It provides a good collection of sensible advice that, if applied correctly, has the potential to improve a person’s happiness. I recommend this read.

Thank you very much for reading this article.

If you liked it, let me know in the comments.

Take care of yourself