I’ve been a mom for 3 and a half years now, and although I didn’t really ask myself the question until then, I realized that I was reproducing old patterns, inherited from previous generations and still fed by today’s society: the sacrificial mother.

Even if I wasn’t unhappy as a mother, because I fully assumed my desire to devote myself body and soul to my role as a parent, I still made decisions that were sacrificial, letting that old limiting belief speak for itself: “I’m the mother, so I come last”. Wrong, so very wrong!

If our mothers or grandmothers carried practically everything on their shoulders, from raising children to running the whole house, it’s still time to break this old pattern that too many households still unconsciously reproduce.

Gone are the days of working dads (who don’t do much else) and moms who sacrifice their professional and personal development for the sake of their children. Yes, raising kids takes time and energy, but that’s no reason to put yourself last and not involve dad. Here’s why:

1 – CHILDREN ARE ONLY AS HAPPY AS THEIR PARENTS
Which means that, by definition, if mom is at the end of her rope because of her days, she probably won’t be very fulfilled, and the kids will grow up in a less happy home. While this observation initially put pressure on me (it’s what started me down the path of personal development), I realized that it was actually supposed to lighten us up. No, a mom doesn’t have to carry everything. Neither does a dad. It’s a job that has to be shared between the two of them, as best as possible (obviously I’m not talking about single-parent homes).

2 – A MOM WHO TAKES CARE OF HERSELF IS A MOM WHO’S AVAILABLE AND PATIENT.
If as a mom (or as the only parent in charge of everything) we’re unable to take time for ourselves, to breathe, to rest, to meet our needs, it’s much harder to take care of the kids in a serene, patient, gentle way. The patience gauge needs to be filled, and that means (quality) time for ourselves!

3 – TIME TO EDUCATE FUTURE GENERATIONS
We can’t change attitudes and things overnight, but we can work to move in the right direction. Today, we’re fighting for equality between men and women, but many women still “suffer” this situation (of doing everything and having the impression that it’s impossible for it to be otherwise) and let themselves be labelled “superheroine” (to reassure themselves?).

There’s real work to be done in letting go, but it’s possible (and necessary) to break out of this pattern and learn to team up with dad. It’s perfectly feasible to divide tasks and time spent with the children as fairly as possible. It’s just a question of breaking down this limiting (and societal) belief that “as a mom, you have to sacrifice yourself and manage everything”. No. Stop. Let’s stop.

4 – MEET YOUR NEEDS, TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF
This is the foundation of the foundation. A mom (or dad) who puts herself last in her needs can’t fill her patience gauge and will be more irritable and unfulfilled. Take care of basic needs such as eating well, resting, taking real breaks, going out (as a couple or with friends), staying hydrated, moving… A parent must take care of himself – and let the other take time for himself too.

5 – DARE TO ASK FOR HELP AND SUPPORT
As well as getting your co-parent more involved, you need to dare to ask for help. Just because you ask Grandma to come and look after the children for an evening or a day doesn’t mean you’re a bad parent… you simply need, as a human being, time for yourself or for your couple… And let’s not listen to the “you shouldn’t have had children if you didn’t want to look after them”, because just because you take time for yourself doesn’t mean you don’t want to (and don’t like to) look after your children. Double standards, people.

6 – ACCEPT THE IDEA OF BEING IMPERFECT
Of course, all this is also about letting go. It’s time to stop trying to control everything, to delegate, to trust. It’s time to accept that a woman/mother is human and has her limits. That she doesn’t have to strive for perfection, that clean laundry or running errands are not necessarily her responsibility. Other people live in this house, and they can all participate (in their own way, depending on the age of the children).

7 – SET UP A SYSTEM THAT SUITS YOU
Obviously, we all have different lifestyles, and our priorities aren’t the same either, but it is possible (always in the case of a two-parent household) to create an equitable system. Divide household chores between family members, delegate certain tasks to a cleaning lady if possible, alternate so that one parent drops the children off at school in the morning and the other picks them up in the evening… Alternate going out separately, but also organize outings as a couple. Use Time Blocking when creating your weekly diary to set aside time slots for you, your partner and the children. Use shared diaries, paper or digital, to create a family schedule… There are lots of possible solutions.

This society has to evolve, and it’s our duty to contribute to it. Even if some women or moms become complacent in their “wonderwoman” situation, it can’t be healthy to live a life that lacks balance. You need time for everything, you need to adjust the balance. Some people find meaning in caring for others (I know what I’m talking about!!!), but without balance, even if on the surface or for years it may make them happy, at some point it’s no longer enough and the lack of balance resurfaces in a more or less violent way.