We all have moments of impulse, of reaction, that send us over the edge, causing us to overreact. Apart from the fact that it’s not a good way of dealing with conflicts and disputes, we can end up blaming ourselves. But how can we maintain self-control when emotions are running high? How can we remain in control of ourselves when faced with certain situations, or certain people? It’s not always as easy as we’d like.

In this article, I suggest you learn how to develop greater self-control.

What is self-control?

Self-control is the ability to regulate our emotions, thoughts and behavior. It’s what enables us to avoid reacting to temptation. Self-control works like a muscle, so we need to mobilize energy. Continuous self-control can therefore exhaust us. But like a muscle, with training, self-control can easily be improved and strengthened.

People who have trouble controlling themselves are more impulsive and take more risks. Those who struggle with self-control tend to be more often under the influence of emotion.

SELF-KNOWLEDGE, ESSENTIAL FOR GOOD SELF-CONTROL

When we have trouble controlling ourselves, it’s often linked to unmet needs or values we hold dear. Getting to know yourself means getting to know the needs and values that are important to you.

Some people have a need for security, others for honesty, and if these needs aren’t respected, they often lose their temper. And that’s normal. It’s the same with values. We all have values that are important to us. Knowing them means knowing how to spot environments where these values are flouted, and how to distance ourselves from those environments.

For example, I have a very strong honesty value. And I often have trouble with dishonesty. So I know I have to be vigilant when I’m around people who don’t respect this value. I know I have to watch out for my tendency to get carried away, to better control my reactions.

HOW CAN I TAKE CONTROL AND MANAGE MY EMOTIONS?

Manage your emotions for better self-control.
If you can’t control your emotions, it’s hard to control your behavior in a situation. If you’re angry about a situation, you’re less likely to control yourself. Controlling your emotions allows you to regulate your self-control in all situations.

Learning to manage your emotions means first recognizing them. Faced with a situation, we can act in automatic mode, losing control, without even realizing it. A derogatory remark from a colleague and you’re screaming at him or her. Being able to recognize this anger is the first step to better managing your emotions. And instead of spontaneously expressing these emotions, you think before you speak.

Once you’ve recognized and accepted your emotions, it’s easier to step back and analyze the situation. Ask yourself what you’re angry about: an unmet need, a scorned value, a disappointment. You’ll then be able to come up with an appropriate emotional response. Having the ability to control your emotions in life is an important thing that will help you when faced with the temptation to lash out.

Once you have this ability, self-control will also help you to better control your emotions and behaviours.

BUILDING SELF-CONTROL LIKE A MUSCLE
When you’re faced with a difficult situation, stress takes over. Your nervous system goes into survival mode (it can’t tell the difference between a dangerous situation and one that’s just a pain in the neck). Your ability to think and step back is compromised.

If you pay attention, and know how to spot situations that are difficult for you, you’ve already taken the first step. For example, you can regularly ask yourself if there have been any difficult situations in your day. We all have different feelings when faced with similar situations: some people get stressed in certain situations, others not at all. Increasing your self-awareness is an indispensable quality for increasing your level of self-control.

When you notice that you’re facing a difficult situation, you could take a deep breath before reacting. This will give you a few seconds to step back.

HOW CAN I MANAGE MY EMOTIONS AND IMPULSES MYSELF?
Our emotions of anger and annoyance often lead to impulses. A bit like a devil bursting out of a box, we have the impression of being in automatic mode. With the unpleasant impression of not being in control, but of being even more directed by our emotions.

Self-control is essential to our well-being, but also to our mental health. It’s what enables us to better manage the emotions and negative thoughts that follow. So let’s take the time to stop ourselves (physically) when we feel these impulses coming on. Self-control is the ability to regulate these impulses.

And just breathe for a few seconds, then move away from the source of our annoyance. We can then learn to manage anger, and react appropriately to difficult situations.

HOW TO REGAIN SELF-CONTROL AND BALANCE?
Self-control can sometimes be seen as a way of preventing or restraining ourselves. And instead of allowing our emotions to express themselves in the right way, we can tend to repress and block them. So we need to find the right balance between uncontrolled outbursts and expressing ourselves appropriately.

Learning self-control is a balancing act. It’s not about denying who we are, by preventing ourselves from expressing our opinions, feelings and emotions. It’s about finding the right balance to express what we think, feel and experience.

When we’re angry, we can sometimes say or do things that aren’t in line with who we are. We immediately regret it, and blame ourselves for not knowing how to control ourselves. Being in control means being able to strike a balance between expressing what I’m feeling (the right response) and the impulsiveness that comes with a lack of control.

And this can only happen if we know ourselves perfectly, and learn to spot those moments when we lose control.

HOW TO IMPROVE SELF-CONTROL: 3 TIPS
There are a few practical tips that can help you achieve greater self-control. All these tips are things that I’ve tried out, and that I’ve had the people I work with try out. Sometimes a tip may seem difficult to implement, but another may be easier. It’s up to you to find the ones that speak to you the most, depending on the lack-of-control situations you encounter most often.

SPOT THE THOUGHTS
When faced with an unpleasant situation, our thoughts can be our worst enemies. Here we are, cogitating and feeding an emotion of frustration or anger. And it’s not so much the situation that puts us out of control, as the mental representations we have of it.

Learning to spot our thoughts means learning to recognize when we’re adding fuel to the fire. By recognizing that these thoughts are present, we learn to take a step aside and stop feeding them.

Spotting our thoughts gives us the space to choose to respond appropriately, rather than reacting out of lack of self-control.

ELIMINATING NEGATIVE FEELINGS
Feelings are an excellent compass for tracking our emotions. And our emotions are often the source of a lack of self-control. By noticing negative feelings, we get into the habit of not letting them take hold. Because when a feeling takes hold, there’s more opportunity for uncontrolled reactions.

A feeling is a tightness in the chest, a lump in the throat, a knot in the stomach, a sensation of stress. Trust your feelings, they’re a sign that something isn’t quite right. Once you’ve noticed, take the time to breathe, to shout, to move, to get rid of the feeling. Often, just a few deep, conscious breaths are enough to make it go away.

Self-control during an unpleasant situation also helps you to avoid repeating bad compensatory habits, such as overeating or overindulging in alcohol. It’s a good way to cultivate resilience.

LEARN TO REMAIN SILENT
Impulses are sometimes verbal. And you may tend to respond impulsively because you lack control over your speech. If you’re able to remain silent, even for a few seconds, you’ll find more appropriate responses. Instead of responding in a hasty manner, learn to remain silent. Especially when an answer isn’t necessary.

You’re a better observer of your own behavior, and that has an impact on your self-control. You may then notice that self-control can help you in your relationships.

Keeping silent also applies to situations. We may tend to comment inappropriately because we lack self-control. If no one asks for your opinion, don’t give it. It’s a good way to learn a lot about your own impulses, and instantly increase your self-control.

THE ART OF SELF-CONTROL
Learning to control yourself is an exercise, an art to be developed. You’d be surprised if you achieved it overnight. Like any art, it takes practice. At first, it may seem artificial, like any artistic gesture. But as the weeks go by, you’ll become more skilful, more fluid in the way you control yourself.

To get started, you can begin with the usual situations you encounter in which you find it difficult to maintain control. Simply set yourself the intention of being more attentive to your feelings and thoughts. This simple intention will enable you not to react, but to take that essential step aside.

As the weeks go by, you’ll become more adept at controlling yourself in these situations. And then you’ll be able to tackle more difficult situations. Become a self-control artist. It can even become a character trait.

WHY KEEP SELF-CONTROL?
I often hear people say that anger is healthy and should be expressed. And that it’s okay to lose your temper once in a while. Except that I’ve never seen a case where anger has led to improvement. Because we rarely listen to someone who expresses himself in anger, who lacks self-control. At best, we acquiesce to keep the peace.

Passing on a message without self-control makes the message inaudible. Learning to control oneself therefore enables you to learn to pass on messages appropriately and fairly.

Learning to have better self-control also means learning to master your frustrations. And there can be many frustrations in life. It’s also about projecting a positive image of yourself, as someone who knows how to deal with life’s inevitable ups and downs. It’s about giving meaning to each and every one of your actions.

SELF-CONTROL AND INHIBITION: MAKING THE RIGHT CHOICE
Developing self-control does not mean inhibiting all reactions or emotions. This common mistake can lead you to want to absolutely control what you think or feel. This is not the goal. The aim of self-control is to help you master the way you express what you feel.

At the beginning of the self-control journey, we may tend to think that we shouldn’t feel or say anything. We end up inhibiting our speech, and worse, our emotions. And emotions that aren’t expressed become imprinted. You end up expressing them in violent and inappropriate ways.

Instead of inhibiting your emotions and your words, take the time to welcome what you’re feeling. Then find the right words to express what you have to say. Non-violent communication is a good tool for doing this.

Don’t confuse self-control with inhibition.