Listening is an art that everyone enjoys. Everyone will tell you so, but who really takes the trouble to listen and understand others? Very few, in fact. Yet active listening is the secret to being more effective and more appreciated.

This secret is now within your reach. Find out now what it takes to be an active listener.

Active listening and the difference between listening and hearing

“Talking is a need. Listening is a talent”

If you want to become a master of active listening, you need to know the difference between listening and hearing. To hear is to use your ears passively. As long as you have two ears, you can hear what’s being said. Hearing a message requires no attention or effort. It’s a passive process that requires no particular willpower. It’s called passive listening, because you’re not concentrating on the meaning or content of the message. To listen, you have to open your ears actively, concentrating on both what is said and what is not said in the message you hear.

Listening is therefore an active, voluntary process that requires concentration, energy and reflection. In other words, you have to get the message into your brain. What’s more, active listening sometimes leads to some very interesting rethinking.

Here, let me give you a definition of listening that differentiates between these 2 notions:

“To listen is to make oneself available physically, intellectually and emotionally to perceive, through all the senses, the information said and unsaid by the interlocutor in a spirit of benevolence conveyed by his or her attitude.”

So we listen with our senses, and hear only with our ears. And we do, don’t we? You’ve probably been in a conversation with someone and asked: “Are you listening to me? And she replies a little sheepishly: “Sorry, you were saying? So she was hearing, but it was passive listening. This is also the case when you watch television while eating, or follow a conference while handling your telephone…

Active listening: what does it actually mean?

Active listening is generally defined as the use of silence or simple rephrasing. This is, of course, reductive. In fact, it’s a communication technique that creates positive contact between sender and receiver. It can also be defined as a listening process that aims to place the listener and the speaker on the same wavelength, thereby enhancing the quality and objectivity of the information exchanged.

When you’re actively listening, you’re totally engaged and immersed in what the other person is saying. You make the other person feel valued, because he or she is better listened to and better understood. In short, active listening involves :

UNDERSTANDING: the receiver pays close attention to the speaker’s verbal and non-verbal language, so as to fully understand what he or she is trying to communicate.

RETAINING: the listener tries to remember the key points of the sender’s message by using memory or taking notes.

RESPOND: You respond to the speaker to confirm that you have understood his or her message, and to deepen your discussion of the subject.

WHY SHOULD YOU LISTEN ACTIVELY?
Do you find active listening more demanding than passive listening? Of course it is! But don’t forget that it can help improve many areas of your life. In fact, listening is one of the most important skills you can have. Your ability to listen has a major impact on your effectiveness at work and on the quality of your relationships with others. So your ability to manage a team, get promoted, build relationships, avoid conflict, raise children and persuade people can be significantly improved if you actively listen.

AN INDISPENSABLE SKILL AT WORK
The most effective workers are those who listen the most, because they learn a lot about others and use this to improve their productivity. When you develop this skill, it will be of great benefit to you, especially if you hold a supervisory position at work. Thanks to this skill, you can better understand your colleagues, show patience and handle any situation.

One of my favorite sayings is: “You have two ears and one mouth, use them proportionately”.

AN ESSENTIAL ASSET IN YOUR PERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS
As a parent, you also need to be an active listener. It’s important to listen carefully to your children. Many teenagers complain that their parents are always busy and never listen to them. But those who have this quality have a better relationship with their children and help them find their way.

On the other hand, being an active listener in a relationship means that you place a high value on communication within the couple. This is particularly effective when the other is in distress. Your ability to actively listen to a partner going through a difficult time is a valuable skill.

Active listening will also benefit you when you meet new people. Asking questions, seeking clarification and watching body language are all ways of learning more about the people you meet.

It’s the basis of every successful conversation, because it’s the best way to show respect to others. In short, you’ll become a better lover, a better employee, a better coach, a better parent, a better person if you cultivate the art of listening attentively.

A PLUS FOR YOUR HEALTH
Finally, it even contributes to better health. In fact, studies show that patients cope better with their illnesses when they are listened to with attention and compassion.

How to encourage good listening: the 3-point secret

For good active listening, you need to act on 3 elements: on your own person, on the verbal aspect and on the non-verbal aspects of communication. Let’s review these points one by one.

GOOD LISTENING AND CONCENTRATION
“Instead of paying attention to getting to know others, we only think about getting to know ourselves. It would be better to listen to acquire new insights than to talk too much to show off those we have acquired.”

Sometimes we’re just too busy. That’s why it’s sometimes so difficult to listen attentively. Active listening requires concentration. But how can we stay focused when the subject doesn’t interest us?

So you need to find interest in what’s being said. If the subject itself isn’t exciting, the person speaking is. So why don’t you make the effort to listen attentively if the subject is close to your heart?

As a parent or colleague, it’s in your interest to concentrate and find interest in what others are saying. If you only listen to your children with one ear, they won’t talk to you, and you won’t be able to help them when they get into trouble. If you don’t know the difference between listening and hearing, your colleagues and employers won’t trust you. So force yourself to stay focused and don’t let your mind wander. Active listening will help you develop empathy for the people around you.

SHOW YOUR INTEREST
If you try to concentrate on what’s being said, you’ll let the other person know. Signs that you’re paying attention include:

Use questions: if you ask them regularly and in small doses, you’ll show your interlocutor that you’re walking with him or her. Questions like “What’s next?”; “Really?”; “Do you really mean it?”; “No, you’re not serious?” show genuine interest.

Bounce back with onomatopoeia: it’s a double-edged sword, because it’s also used when you don’t know the difference between hearing and listening. But in combination with questions of interest, they’re very useful. Onomatopoeia shows that you’re doing active listening.

Resume with summaries: it’s useful to summarize the idea you’ve just heard from time to time. Then the person you’re talking to can move on to another idea with the confidence that you’re really listening.

A person who knows how to listen and show genuine interest in a discussion enhances his or her charisma and immediately appears more interesting.

Master the codes of non-verbal communication

Active listening also involves non-verbal communication. In fact, 80% of communication is non-verbal, involving gestures and attitudes that need to be deciphered. These reflect our thoughts. That’s why it’s important to show interest in your interlocutor through visuals (gestures and attitudes). That’s why it’s so important to adopt a position of openness and availability. If you listen carefully, your interlocutor should be able to observe the following non-verbal elements:

SIGNS OF APPROVAL OR DENIAL: When you approve or deny the idea being developed, nod your head yes or no.

POSTURE: when you’re actively listening, you shouldn’t be busy with anything else. You must avoid looking at your phone, your watch or other people. In addition, your body is turned towards the listener, eye contact is direct and frank, and you smile regularly. These attitudes show that you’re really listening to the other person.

FACIAL EXPRESSIONS: if you look frowning, preoccupied, exasperated or revolted, your face will reflect it. So make sure your facial expressions, eyebrows and general demeanor match the tone of the conversation. When you’re listening to someone confide in you, your face should reflect compassion. If the content of the conversation is positive and joyful, your face should not reflect sadness.

Non-verbal communication is natural. You can’t force it. But if you’re really interested in others, you’ll use the right posture at all times. Little by little, you’ll become a master in the art of communication.

ACTIVE LISTENING: TIPS FOR BECOMING A GOOD LISTENER
In addition to the 3 points mentioned above, there are a number of other aspects you need to work on if you want to rapidly improve your active listening skills. These tips should be applied systematically to your next interpersonal exchanges.

REMAIN NEUTRAL AND BENEVOLENT
Listening with your full attention means remaining neutral and benevolent. This means not listening to your interlocutor with a closed mind or a ready-made judgment. This is often the attitude adopted by people who always want to be right. It’s better to hear the other person speak, without forming an opinion until he or she has finished speaking. In other words, don’t give free rein to preconceived ideas, and banish all attempts at interpretation.

When you practice active listening, you learn to keep an open mind even when you don’t agree with what the other person is saying. Indeed, your attention and understanding of the message are compromised as soon as you indulge in these negative feelings. Remember that good listeners are open to new ideas, even those that contradict their own beliefs.

LET OTHERS EXPRESS THEMSELVES WITHOUT INTERRUPTING
Interrupting a speaker is often considered rude. So avoid it. It’s best to save your questions and counter-arguments for last. Perhaps these will be addressed by the speaker in the rest of the message. In active listening, letting the speaker express himself without interruption also means avoiding finishing sentences for him. Even if you think you can guess what he’s going to say, it’s no good, because you could be wrong. Don’t prepare your answer while the other person is speaking; the last thing they say may change the meaning of what has already been said. While you’re listening, close your internal dialogue. It’s impossible to listen attentively to someone else and your own internal voice at the same time.

ACTIVE LISTENING AND EMPATHY
Put yourself in the other person’s shoes. Try to feel what he’s feeling while he’s talking to you. Imagine yourself in his or her situation. How would you feel? How would you react? This is the practice of empathy. In other words, put aside your prejudices and preconceptions and put yourself in the other person’s shoes for the time it takes to listen.

Don’t confuse this with sympathy, which is simply sharing the pain of others. When you’re sympathetic, you’re concerned about the well-being of others. Empathy goes beyond compassion. When you empathize, you not only feel sorry for the person, but you also try to see the situation from their point of view. Empathy goes hand in hand with active listening, because it facilitates communication. It helps, for example, when someone tells you about stressful experiences that are difficult to explain. You have to be there to understand. This approach enables you to understand what the other person is saying, to better grasp the ins and outs as they themselves objectively feel them.

WHAT’S IN IT FOR ME?
Active listening is a key interpersonal skill. It promotes good interpersonal communication. It’s an approach that promotes respect, positivity, patience and much more. Thanks to this technique, you value your interlocutor and listen to him or her, even if you don’t agree with what is being said.

Active listening means receiving a message and understanding it, while taking an active part in understanding the message. It also means showing interest and curiosity, asking for clarification and refraining from judging and interpreting. Finally, it means giving one’s opinion while respecting that of others.