Are you one of the good guys? If so, you’re not necessarily happy about it. For many nice people, life is impossible because they feel they’re being taken for fools.

There are countless forums where people ask what they need to do to stop being too nice. If this question is on your mind too, read on.

Too nice: why it’s unhealthy

You probably feel you’re being too nice. But what exactly does that mean? An overly kind person is both willing and able to help others; but sometimes they do so beyond what is socially acceptable. For example, an overly kind person may be willing to help out a neighbor. But she won’t have the courage to tell the neighbor that she can’t baby-sit every night. She’ll do it, even if the situation is detrimental to her.

What’s more, people who are too nice aren’t necessarily appreciated, paradoxically. In love, for example, a man who comes across as too nice is far from attractive – quite the contrary. On the contrary, it’s clear that this situation leads to a number of problems.

Surprising, isn’t it?

This is just one example of the disadvantages of being too nice.

The consequences of this situation are detrimental to the person who shows great kindness. Among the most recurrent negative effects are depression, feelings of uselessness, guilt and the certainty of leading a life over which you have no real control. Who’d like to live with this deep-seated feeling? If you’re too kind and feel embarrassed by this situation, read on.

Learn to stop being too nice

You don’t go from being too nice to a “normal” person in a matter of seconds. You have to be willing to work hard on yourself.

Here are 5 essential things you can do about it:

BUILD YOUR OWN CONVICTIONS
First and foremost, I’d like to tell you the real reason why some people become too nice. Are you ready to hear it? Here it is: being too nice is often due to the fact that we fail to build our own deep convictions.

Sometimes it’s a problem linked to your childhood or adolescence. Perhaps your parents didn’t let you express yourself, or let you think you were mean because you didn’t accept everything. Above all, change requires you to build your own unique conviction and learn to overcome your doubts.

Take a sheet of paper and answer the question: “What is my vision of life? Can I defend it at all costs, including in the face of people who often have a negative influence on me?”

Ask yourself about specific aspects such as your vision of success; your dream job; and many other important questions of this kind.

Sometimes, putting your vision in writing gives you the opportunity to make sure that you really do have convictions. Very often, people who are too nice don’t even manage to write 2 lines… They don’t believe in much of anything.

If you can write anything at all, that’s a good sign. But do you believe in it? You have to convince yourself!

ASSERT YOURSELF
The second step to stop being too nice is to assert yourself. Accept that you’re different, and stand up for your rights. Here are a few specific actions you can take to this end:

Write your own list of inalienable rights: what you would stand up for if they were violated, by anyone. It could be the right to wear a certain type of clothing; the right to argue with your father against your mother’s advice; the right to take your break instead of working a few minutes overtime… The longer your list, the better.
Take action: When your rights are violated, say something. Stand up for yourself. Vow never to let anything go unchallenged again. Don’t be afraid to cancel an appointment if, when the time comes, the idea of going there makes you tense and bored.

Remember that you’re always in control of your own choices and your own time, even if you’ve made a previous commitment.
But, you ask yourself, “should I be frank and direct?”

If you really want to stop coming across as too nice, it’s best to be tactless at first. Learn to say things frankly. You’ll always have the opportunity to work on tact later. But if you start with convolutions even as you’re trying to assert yourself, you won’t get very far.

LEARN TO SAY NO
This is the most important step. To stop being too nice, you need to learn how to say no.

How can you prepare for this?

Answer the question in writing:

“What will I no longer do against my will, even if other people won’t be happy about it?”

Again, the longer the list, the better. Don’t necessarily spare your nearest and dearest. They’re the ones who most often take advantage of you, and then make you feel guilty about it. If some of those close to you ask a little too much of you, make your “no contract” and make a mental commitment not to accept anything that’s not acceptable.

TAKE ACTION AND BE PATIENT
Now you can take action. How can you do this? Well, many of your family, friends and acquaintances may be coming your way. This is your opportunity to apply the various elements listed above.

Start by defending your opinions, so that you’re no longer too nice. You probably have an opinion on politics, sports or eating habits. Whenever possible, let people know what you think.

Then, scrupulously respect your “no contract”. Whenever you can, say no to the wrong thing.

But here again, patience is the key. You won’t be able to say no to being taken advantage of overnight. So, if you lack courage right from the start, don’t give up. Keep working to defend your points of view, then agree to say no.

AVOID EXTREMES
Let’s answer a simple question: if you’re not too nice, are you necessarily mean?

That’s what many pseudo-specialists claim. But it’s not true. It’s no good going against your nature. Being nice is a virtue that will make you happier. On the other hand, being too nice will very often be detrimental.

So stay kind. But how? Well, be courteous, but don’t be too courteous. Be kind, but don’t accept everything and anything. Remain generous, but don’t necessarily deprive yourself as soon as someone says they lack something.

Don’t go to extremes, and your change will be more visible and more pleasant for those around you.

That’s it. If you’re nice (no, not too nice), you’ll probably agree to share the article, but also to leave your opinions on this delicate subject, won’t you?