We often hear it said that the death of a loved one was not a life sentence, but a necessary part of life. It’s the one common human experience we all have to face at one time or another. But losing a child is probably not what we’re talking about here. The suffering is all the more unbearable when the little one dies before he or she is even born. Suddenly, without warning, life changes. The long-awaited baby doesn’t come into the world after all. And the excitement of becoming, or becoming again, a parent dies with him. All that’s left is a grieving mom and dad.

In the days, weeks and months that follow, a swell of emotions assails you in a thousand and one different ways. So how do you cope with perinatal grief, and how do you go on living with it?

Perinatal bereavement: the immediate consequences

Experiencing a miscarriage, stillbirth, infected egg, molar or ectopic pregnancy can be very traumatic for both parents. Society underestimates just how painful it is. Losing a baby is a death you have to feel, just as when you lose another loved one. Life’s difficulties, we often say. But there’s nothing quite like it, especially for a mother. No matter when it happens, and no matter what the circumstances. The grief can be so overwhelming that you wonder if you’ll ever know joy again.

You may never truly “get over” the loss, but know that your pain will become more manageable over time. For the time being, falling hormone levels in your body will amplify your sadness, possibly even leading to chronic depression. Similarly, you may feel angry during this period of perinatal grief. You may feel that your body has failed you, especially if you’ve wanted the baby for a long time. You may even feel guilty, wondering if something you did could have caused this loss.

Also, you may be tempted to review your entire medical history and everything you did during your pregnancy. In this way, you hope to find a reason to justify this unthinkable separation. However, the causes of stillbirth are so diverse and rarely have anything to do with what you did. You may also associate it with karma, a divine punishment because you did such and such a thing. However, a grieving mother needs to free herself from obsessive emotions and thoughts in order to move forward.

Coping with everyday life

It can seem as if babies and pregnancy are everywhere you go during perinatal mourning. Commercials, baby shower invitations and even a stroll through the diaper aisle can start to bother you. You may also feel jealous of pregnant women and mothers of newborns, especially those who seem to get pregnant easily. If so, your feelings are normal and valid. However, it probably won’t make you feel any better. Hence the importance of letting go of your emotions.

Perinatal bereavement also has a major impact on a couple’s life. It can either bring the partners closer together or create intense tension in the relationship. And for good reason: grieving moms and dads often react differently, whatever the difficulties in their lives. Although men usually report similar grief at first, they may be less forthcoming about their feelings. Likewise, they may get over the emotional part more quickly than their wives. This can be interpreted as a lack of compassion. But you need to support each other through this experience.

As a husband, remember that your partner may feel the loss very deeply and need more time to get over the grief. It’s also important for her to express her emotions. And conversely, understand that even if your Jules doesn’t cry much or doesn’t feel like talking about it, the pain affects her as much as it does you. Whatever the case, discuss it and make sure you get through it together. Resist the temptation to push your partner away. You surely wouldn’t want to lose another loved one. Likewise, give yourself time to come to terms with your perinatal grief.

Perinatal bereavement: moving towards healing

Life’s difficulties don’t have the same impact on everyone. Likewise, the time it takes to feel better after perinatal bereavement can vary from person to person. Many people feel the need to try for another baby as soon as possible, but getting pregnant again won’t take away your grief. So taking the time to let go of your emotions beforehand may be a better option. During this stage, you can adopt a few good habits.

Make your own decisions. Well-meaning loved ones may suggest throwing away anything that reminds you of your child, such as maternity clothes or baby items. However, the decision is yours. Wait until you’re ready.
Keep mementos of your little angel. Give her a name. Find comfort in organizing a memorial service, personalizing a piece of jewelry, planting a tree or creating another memorial in her honor. You can also ask hospital staff to make hand or footprints.
Take care of yourself. Get plenty of rest, eat a healthy diet and make physical activity part of your daily routine. Don’t rely on tobacco or alcohol to relieve your pain. Likewise, only take your medication under your doctor’s supervision.
Keep a diary. Putting your thoughts and feelings into words can be an effective way of easing your sadness. You can also write letters, notes or poems to or about the baby.
Ask friends and family for help. They may not know what to say or do. So let them know when you need their support.
Join a support group. Share with others who have experienced perinatal bereavement.