Most emotional pain reflects our past and characterizes our present personality. Of course, we’ve all had the horrible experience of living through moments when we feel most alone, most excluded and most unwanted. One of these destructive emotions is the feeling of rejection. In fact, it’s an almost inevitable aspect of everyday human life. And yet, much of the suffering and struggle we endure in such situations isn’t even based on rejection per se. As a result, our reaction to this circumstance is often disproportionate. That’s why it’s so important to learn how to cope with this state of suffering, so that we can become more serene in our lives.

Stop running away, improve your self-confidence, learn to forgive, take time, practice self-compassion… Discover how to overcome this destructive emotion.

The feeling of rejection in all its forms

First and foremost, this feeling stems from an emotional wound, which is the most common one we experience in everyday life.

It’s important to remember that most of these wounds can be hidden deep inside us, never to surface. They may arise during part of childhood, when we begin to learn, understand, discover and so on. But it turns out that adults are not spared either, despite their strong character. In fact, whatever our age, feelings of rejection are an inseparable psychic state of existence.

In the past, this was limited by the size of our immediate social circle or acquaintances. Today, with major technological advances in communication, it’s easier for us to connect with thousands of people. One or more of them may ignore our messages or calls, making us feel permanently rejected.

The simplest meaning of rejection is denial. But it can have broader meanings, such as dislike or contempt. The feeling of rejection can then present itself in many different ways. Even if, in some situations, it represents only a minor problem. In fact, there are times when circumstances can be even more serious. Such is the case when a relationship breaks down. Or when we’ve lost our job. Or when we feel scorned by our friends or family because of our lifestyle choices.

The pain we feel at these times can be extremely paralyzing. It eventually leads to long-term relationship difficulties. Whatever the extent of this feeling of rejection, it hurts more than we expect.

THE QUESTION IS, WHY?
Why do we feel bad when our best friend doesn’t “like” the picture we posted on Facebook/Instagram of our last vacation? Why does it put us in a bad mood? And why does something so seemingly insignificant make us angry? The answer to these questions is simple: our brains are wired to react this way. Scientists have actually discovered that the brain areas that activate during these moments of feeling rejected are similar to those that activate when we feel physical pain. That’s why even the smallest form of banishment hurts.

The truth, however, is that the greatest damage it causes is usually self-inflicted. On the other hand, the wound of rejection can be reinforced by other factors. Such as degree of sensitivity, degree of affectivity or context. In fact, hypersensitive people are more likely to feel emotional pain, especially if they have psychic or autistic disorders. The same is true when the person making us feel rejected is someone close to us, such as a relative, a best friend… In other words, we are more affected when the rejection comes from someone to whom we are attached. And in some cases, we can easily feel the hurt when we spend more time investing in our work.

RECOGNIZING SOMEONE SUFFERING FROM A REJECTION WOUND
Emotional hurt can sometimes be destructive and radically change the way we live. It can also affect our behavior and prevent us from moving forward. This suffering is usually accompanied by a constant fear of abandonment by others. To recognize a victim of rejection, there are many signals.

The first of these is the so-called flight mask. This is a defense mechanism triggered by the risk of rejection, which manifests itself in an attitude of flight. In other words, the person concerned prefers to flee for fear of being rejected or not appreciated for their true worth.
Another very common sign is low self-esteem, with constant self-questioning. A person affected by a deep wound and suffering from feelings of rejection lives in total pain. They have difficulty making decisions, expressing themselves or speaking out. When things don’t go as they expect, they can easily become destabilized. Which brings us to another common symptom of the rejection wound: generalized anxiety. Other elements can also be warning signs. These include difficulty making eye contact, the need to camouflage desires, the quest for perfection, etc.

So why do we feel rejected?

Most of the time, the feeling of being rejected stems from the fact that you can’t decipher people’s moods and behaviors in a given situation. In a way, this forces us to overlook more likely interpretations of what might actually be happening. For example, instead of considering that your partner to whom you’ve sent a text message is probably very busy, you prefer to believe that he’s avoiding you or is having a good time with someone else. This can easily lead to feelings of rejection, as they are becoming more and more frequent in today’s society, where social networks are taking such an ever-increasing place.

Especially since the absence of clues (facial expression, body language, tone of voice…) often leads you to rely on your imagination. This is how you begin to project your own fears and uncertainties onto the other person. The resulting relationship difficulties can be exacerbated by the presence of certain psychological problems, such as :

Insecurity
Fear of abandonment
Loss of self-confidence
Lack of self-respect…

Feelings of rejection can also affect emotional, psychological or social intelligence. What these problems have in common is an inability to recognize another’s point of view, or to put oneself in their place. However, doing so can considerably obscure reality. This can lead to the erroneous conclusion that people are intentionally rejecting you. That’s why it’s best to work on yourself first. It’s also crucial to learn to value yourself, to recognize your worth. As your self-esteem grows, so will your ability to relate to people.

How can rejection be healed?

The wound of rejection cannot be healed; it’s a feeling that can neither be erased nor forgotten. As a result, you have to learn to live with it, trying to develop in the best possible way. To help you cope with this emotional pain, you can adopt some simple and effective attitudes.

The first thing you need to do is stop running away all the time. Not facing the risk of abandonment won’t solve your problem. You really need to accept that the wound of repression, and therefore the feeling of rejection, is part of life. Bear in mind that people won’t always be able to appreciate you. Just as you can’t control their attitudes. In the meantime, do something that makes you feel good and alive to help soothe your inner wound.

You can also go through a rebuilding phase. This involves taking a step back from the notion of responsibility to put fault or guilt into perspective. You also need to regain your self-confidence in order to :

Better manage feelings of rejection
Learn to say no
Free yourself from the gaze of others
Sort out your relationships
Daily self-compliment
Forgive others and yourself…
From now on, there are many possibilities open to you.

Finally, take the time to live and arm yourself with patience. It’s not easy to heal the wound of rejection. You have to be phlegmatic, let time take its course and continue to be positive in all circumstances. Encourage anything that might stimulate your zest for life, your laughter… And above all, don’t hesitate to confide in someone you trust to ease your feelings of rejection.

Self-compassion: a powerful weapon for overcoming it

Self-compassion refers to a concept drawn from Buddhist psychology. It’s an effective way of relating to yourself – with kindness. This means being gentle, supportive and understanding. It should not, however, be confused with arrogance, narcissism or vanity, which generally indicate a lack of self-love.

Feelings of rejection can be overcome, especially through effective self-compassion.

THIS CAN BE ACHIEVED THROUGH 3 STEPS
Prefer understanding to constant self-judgment. In simpler terms, you need to treat yourself as you would a friend. This means empathizing, but with your own struggle. It’s not about feeling sorry for yourself or denying your mistakes. It’s about not being cruel to yourself.
Focus on interaction, not social isolation. No one is alone in his or her struggle, especially against feelings of rejection. Even if it sometimes feels that way. All human beings suffer, and most have experienced this emotional wound. Remembering this connection can help you avoid inner pain. What’s more, if they’ve managed to get over it, why shouldn’t you?
Practice mindfulness. This method involves focusing your attention on the present moment. This should be done while learning to tame a given thought or experience without judgment. As well as having countless mental and physical health benefits, mindfulness will help you control feelings of rejection by avoiding over-identifying with painful feelings that arise. To do this, it’s essential to recognize the origin of your relationship difficulties – without letting negative thoughts or mental rumination take over.

Meditation or breathing exercises can also calm you down when strong emotions or reactions arise.