As human beings, it’s only natural to expect that we’re always – almost by nature – actively seeking our own happiness. Particularly when it comes to the quest for personal satisfaction; whether in our relationships with others or in our professional lives. And yet, many people act as if they deliberately want to ruin their chances of achieving this “ultimate goal” by resorting to self-sabotage. To say that this behavior is sometimes strange and contradictory is an understatement.

This is particularly the case when you get a job interview with a big company – the one you’ve always wanted to work for. You may suddenly find excuses not to go. Or when you’ve met someone you like so much, but you let unjustified accusations and angry outbursts reign in your relationship. It’s as if you were somehow prepared to provoke the sad day when, exhausted and frustrated, your partner would be forced to walk away. This is what we mean by “self-sabotage”.

Self-sabotage: why is it so common?

Getting in your own way, shooting yourself in the foot, acting against your own best interests… Whatever term you use, all these self-destructive behaviors refer to self-sabotage. Thinking of taking your relationship to the next level? Now’s the perfect time to argue about how the toilet paper should be hung. In need of a diet? You’re not going to lose all those extra pounds anyway, so why bother? Instead of putting away that pile of laundry in your bedroom, you say to yourself, “If I don’t have time to finish, I’d better not start. In situations where you can choose to be happy, you invent some reason to justify your unhappiness.

In short, there are a thousand and one ways to self-sabotage. The most common, however, include:

Procrastination;
Self-medication with drugs or alcohol;
Temper tantrums;
Perfectionism;
The need to control everything;
Fear of failure;
Poor nutrition;
Interpersonal conflicts.

Such actions are particularly insidious because they are relatively small – just one argument, one trip to the fridge, one glass of wine. At the time, they may even seem useful. The truth, however, is that like a river eroding rocks, over time self-sabotage creates a Grand Canyon of self-destruction from which it is difficult to escape. A vicious circle that doesn’t allow you to improve your low self-esteem.

So why do we continue in this way?

When we get close to the thing we want so badly, it’s not uncommon to feel uncomfortable. And with good reason: the situation is unfamiliar, and the fact is that human beings always crave familiarity. The result: when it’s not present, the need for control is felt. Psychologists call this cognitive dissonance. At such times, we begin to think that self-induced failure is better than real failure. On the other hand, self-sabotage emanates from a lack of self-esteem most of the time.

In fact, it occurs when the subconscious mind tries to protect you, prevent pain and deal with a deep-seated fear. Logic (the side of you that says you should eat healthily and save money) is at odds with the subconscious (the side that craves chocolate and online shopping). The latter is your “anti-self”, that critical inner voice that seems to be holding you back.

In this respect, negative thoughts overwhelm you for the simple reason that you yourself don’t believe in your ability to succeed. Needless to say, this takes you away from what you want most in life. But the result of self-sabotage is that you hesitate to take the plunge instead of seizing your chance. In the end, you know you’re missing out on a golden opportunity, but you can’t figure out why.

So how do you get rid of self-sabotage forever?

To put an end to self-sabotage, you first need to become aware of your own behaviors. To do this, think about goals you’ve had for a long time, but never achieved. Are there particular areas in which you’re always putting off a decision? Do you suffer from a lack of motivation, even for important things?

Similarly, think about something you often fail at, for no obvious reason. Is there an activity or task that nags at you and causes you dissatisfaction because you know you could do it, or do it better? It can be painful to ask yourself these kinds of questions, but it’s important. So pay attention to problem situations so you can better understand what’s going on.

Then identify the cause. Is it a past injury or failure, or are you suffering from impostor syndrome? Or are you afraid of abandonment? Or is it simply the result of your low self-esteem? The origins of self-sabotage can be as diverse as they are numerous. By pinpointing the exact cause, you can work on it.

THEN CHANGE YOUR ATTITUDE TO GET RID OF SELF-SABOTAGE
When you become aware of the negative emotions, behaviors and thoughts that trigger self-sabotage, you can start to question them. And if you can change one of these three aspects, the other two will change more easily too. Similarly, change your assumptions and adopt a more positive outlook on life. Then link this new discourse to what you can and want to achieve. When your skills, beliefs and attitude are aligned, you can create the mental, emotional and physical states necessary to do whatever you want.

What’s more, once you’ve identified and begun to overcome the false reasons for your self-sabotaging behaviors, you can certainly begin to rebuild your self-esteem. To do this, consider the following questions:

What can you tell yourself that’s positive or encouraging about this situation?
What options are open to you?
Can you build your self-confidence by setting and achieving smaller ambitions, on the way to achieving bigger goals?

Then use your answers to come up with a message that inspires you to move forward. For example, “Even if I don’t finish this project on time, I know I have the resources and skills to get through it.” “When I start tackling this assignment, I know I’ll be freeing myself from a lot of the stress and anxiety I’ve built up by procrastinating.”