We tend to describe infidelity as a sexual affair. Yet there’s a form of infidelity that can do just as much damage to a couple: passionate infidelity. Without physical contact, but with emotional support and comfort, the emotional bond could well be the main threat of infidelity in the digital age. All it takes is exposure to the Internet to make it happen. But an emotional affair can just as easily take place in person with colleagues, exes or people you meet.

What’s worse is that, unlike a sexual affair, it’s easy for the perpetrator of an emotional infidelity not to admit guilt. He’ll say he’s done nothing wrong, except to have a conversation with a friend.

What is emotional infidelity?

The relationship isn’t just based on sex. There’s also emotional support, complicity and a sense of security in the relationship. Infidelity is said to be emotional when you are in the habit of seeking support, attention and emotional comfort from someone other than your partner. Add to this the fact that you hide this preference from your partner.

However, as your affective relationship intensifies, you develop a dependency on this person and they on you. You then form an emotional pair that doesn’t include your partner. And it doesn’t stop there. More often than not, it leads to feelings and sexual attraction. This is why emotional infidelity can lead to divorce in some couples.

Not everyone talks about infidelity

The definition of infidelity varies from couple to couple and from person to person. Some people believe that only a sexual relationship represents infidelity, while others live an open relationship, meaning that sexual liaisons with other people are accepted. Still others are neither for one nor the other. For the latter, emotional and sexual exclusion from the couple is important.

So you need to know what kind of couple you are. And you need to decide this well before you start the relationship. In other words, set the limits of what’s possible. Because without limits, emotional infidelity will only be condemned when the worst happens.

Some signs that you’re being emotionally unfaithful

Sometimes you don’t know that your relationship is emotionally unfaithful, or at least you still have doubts. Perhaps you still think it’s just a friendship. Meanwhile, the person you’re in such a relationship with is beginning to have feelings for you. Knowing the signs of infidelity can help you stop it in time.

YOU FEEL AN EMOTIONAL DISTANCE FROM YOUR PARTNER
Emotional interactions with another person are more pleasant… You’re more inclined to open up to them. On the other hand, you feel disconnected from your partner.

YOUR PARTNER DOESN’T KNOW ABOUT YOUR FRIENDSHIP
You probably avoid talking about this close friend. Maybe your partner doesn’t even know that you spend a lot of time with this friend. And that you open up to her much more easily. You also know that such a friendship can make your partner jealous.

YOU LIKE TO SAY “SHE’S JUST A FRIEND”
If, instead of saying “she’s a friend”, you fearfully say “she’s just a friend”, no matter how much you enjoy her company, chances are she’s worth a lot more to you. You’re still in denial, but I urge you to open your eyes quickly and put things right. Emotional infidelity can quickly become something else.

There are many other signs to consider:

You often think about this friend;
You secretly offer her gifts;
You think your friend understands you better than your partner;
You regularly share your problems and feelings with this friend.

Some signs that your partner is emotionally unfaithful

Let’s look at a few signs that your partner may be emotionally unfaithful.

YOUR PARTNER IS SECRETIVE
Do you get the impression that he prevents you from seeing his phone or any other connected device? Does he turn off his phone when you approach him?

This behavior may be a sign of a secret friendship. However, it’s important to read between the lines. Sometimes your partner comes across something on social networks that he doesn’t want you to see. But if he’s secretive too often, it could well be a sign of emotional infidelity.

YOUR PARTNER NO LONGER CONFIDES IN YOU
When your partner no longer confides in you, it’s because he’s found a refuge elsewhere or, as they say, a better shoulder to cry on. And if you make the effort to show him that you’re there for him, he won’t want to confide in you anymore.

Another attitude he may adopt is that he seems busier and no longer has time to devote to you. A good excuse not to get emotionally involved with you.

YOUR PARTNER IS PROUD TO TALK ABOUT HER
Your partner may not hide his friendship with this person. He considers that you accept this friendship. However, he seems to enjoy talking about her and the way she is. He laughs and feels good at the slightest mention of her name.

This attitude makes you jealous and you start to worry. If this is the case, you’ve got your red flag.

Emotional infidelity: what to do and what to avoid

Let’s start with what to do. Communication is undoubtedly the best solution. If you suspect such an affair, talk to your partner. Show your concern. And let him explain. The best thing is not to blame him, but to find a solution together. You can tell him that it bothers you that he doesn’t confide in you. And that you want to be there for him. Don’t be ashamed to admit your jealousy. He’ll have to be sensitive to it.

Here’s what I don’t think you should do. Go to that friend and ask her to stay away from your partner. This won’t help the situation. The situation could get worse if you’re dealing with someone who wants to divide you and your partner. What’s more, it may show your fragility. Don’t let them think you’re weak.

The best thing to do is to ask your partner to avoid seeing this person. Some therapists even recommend avoiding friendships with the opposite sex when you’re in a relationship. To deal with emotional infidelity, you need to be very careful. The decisions you make will have a direct impact on the future of your relationship. So keep a certain amount of control and think about the best way to make your partner see reason.

If you feel a distance between you and your partner, it’s because you don’t talk to each other as much as you used to. To remedy this, organize a get-together between you and your partner. Gather around a table on a fixed date for a constructive discussion. The aim is to rekindle the complicity you once had. To become good friends again. The aim is to let him know that you’re there for him and that he’s there for you.

What you shouldn’t do is wait for excuses after an emotional infidelity. If you want things to go back to the way they were, you need to focus on that. If he cares about you, he’ll apologize without you having to ask. On the other hand, if you absolutely expect him to apologize, you run the risk of making things difficult and he’ll go back to consoling himself on that friend’s shoulder.

Tips for emotional cheaters

As you can imagine, you’re putting your partner in a tricky situation. She has to choose between doing everything she can to bring you back to her side, or rebelling and perhaps even adopting the same attitude as you. Don’t force her to make a choice. Take matters into your own hands and find solutions.

You can also make an effort to get closer to your partner and further away from your friend. Surround yourself with more friends of the same sex. Spend more time with your partner and try to regain his or her trust. However long it takes, don’t stop. Keep in mind that you’re doing this to save your relationship.

What’s more, know that your partner is capable of listening to you in the same way as this friend. Your partner can play the same role, and even better.

Emotional infidelity: the consequences for your relationship

Sometimes an emotional affair can be just as damaging as a sexual one, if not more so. To encourage you to put your relationship back in order, here are a few reasons why you should do so.

IT BREAKS TRUST
When you prefer to confide in someone other than your partner, it damages the trust you have in them and leads to this. In the long run, you’ll start to distrust your partner. You’ll keep secrets that need to be shared. This will further damage your relationship.

BETRAYAL
If you don’t share your feelings with your partner but with someone else, your partner will consider this a betrayal. On the other hand, you’re being pressured to listen to your friend, which, even if the advice is good but doesn’t come from your partner, is a betrayal. And it’s perfectly normal to feel this way. A couple is supposed to be a pair, thinking and acting together.

EMOTIONAL INFIDELITY ALSO AFFECTS YOUR LOVED ONES
It’s also important to know that infidelity also affects those closest to you. They know when things are going well and when they’re going badly. Children are the first to realize this. When you’re with your partner, you often look sad or bored, when it should be the opposite. You spend very little time with him or her, and so on.

Your children are bound to be affected. Maybe they’ll be as sad or bored as you are. Maybe they’ll act more radically, confiding in other people as their parents do.

LOSS OF SELF-CONFIDENCE
Whether it’s you or your partner, emotional infidelity can lead to a loss of self-confidence. This is particularly true for the person who is the victim of infidelity. She may believe she’s the cause of what’s happening. This leads her to doubt her ability to support and comfort her partner or anyone else emotionally. Or simply her ability to understand her partner.

DIVORCE
Probably the most difficult consequence is divorce. Yes, emotional infidelity can lead to divorce, but it’s not that simple. It’s a living hell that awaits the couple. Emotional infidelity can be followed by sexual infidelity, which is even more painful. Divorce simply puts an end to a long period of suffering. Yet it is possible to put an end to emotional infidelity without divorcing.

Save your relationship by redefining friendship

We all need friends. But when you’re in a relationship, friendship has to take a back seat: as well as being your friend, your partner is the person you spend your life with. He/she must share your problems as well as your moments of joy. In fact, you and he/she form a unique tandem.

Friends are people who are there for you as friends and nothing more. They can listen to you, advise you, criticize you, and it’s up to you to give them credit. But under no circumstances should they replace your partner.

Sometimes friends give better advice, but they don’t replace your partner. If you feel you have a different opinion, you should go into couples therapy to try to understand this belief. And if possible, find a solution to your emotional infidelity.