The role of parents is to give children the strength to believe in themselves and in their ability to succeed in life. Punishment, homework, encouragement and advice are all part of the child’s learning process. A child well surrounded by non-toxic parents obviously has every chance of having a fulfilling life. Although parent-child relationships are supposed to be loving and caring, this is unfortunately not always the case. There are mothers who put their children through hell on earth, and take pleasure in doing so.

Narcissistic mothers are easy to identify, and there are ways of dealing with them and moving forward.

What best defines a narcissistic mother?

A narcissistic mother is a woman who thinks only of herself and sees her children as extensions of herself – In other words, her children are there to satisfy her – Their job is to make their mother proud – If she’s not happy, no one should be – The characteristic traits of narcissistic personality disorder can also be observed in a narcissistic mother:

Arrogance
Grandiosity
Excessive need for external validation
Sensitivity to criticism
Projection of anger onto others
Desire for revenge
Jealousy

Some characteristics of narcissistic mothers

Children don’t always know right from wrong, especially when it comes to their parents – They may live under the illusion that they are responsible for everything that happens to them – The aim is to show these children that there are limits a mother is not supposed to cross.

1 – SHE SEES YOU AS AN EXTENSION OF HERSELF
If I recognize a friend’s mother, it’s because of her morphology, her voice or other more subtle clues – Despite all these similarities, my friend and his mother are two independent and unique individuals – Unfortunately, this is a difficult realization for some mothers, who see their children as extensions of themselves.

A mother sees you as an extension of herself when she takes credit for your successes and loses her temper when you fail – In other words, she doesn’t distinguish between your successes and hers.

2 – NARCISSISTIC MOTHERS: PITTING SIBLINGS AGAINST EACH OTHER
Good parents like their children to be close to each other – It reinforces the image of a close-knit family – A narcissistic mother, on the other hand, will try to pit siblings against each other to create rivalry – She wants the children to fight for her favor and recognition – This makes it easy for her to get the attention she wants – It’s in this instability within the family, between siblings, that she gets her kicks.

3 – A NARCISSISTIC MOTHER DOESN’T RESPECT YOUR LIMITS
The children living under your roof depend on you for their lives, but they are not your subjects – A good mother sets limits that must not be crossed, for the sake of her children – But she also knows that there are limits she shouldn’t cross, again for the sake of her children – Like, for example, not barging into a party and grabbing her daughter by the ear, or rifling through her daughter’s phone.

A mother who allows herself to do everything to her child to the point of trampling on her dignity is narcissistic.

4 – NARCISSISTIC MOTHERS: CONSTANTLY CRITICAL
Parents can criticize their children for misbehaving or failing in their responsibilities, which is their right and even their duty – On the other hand, some mothers constantly criticize their children for the slightest mistake or imperfection – This is always because they think their children are an extension of themselves – They have to be as perfect as they want them to be.

5 – SHE EXPECTS YOU TO ADMIRE HER
The narcissistic mother is convinced that a child must adore and love its mother – She thrives on this role and does everything she can to make her children admire her – To do this, she creates a self-image in which she brags to her children about her achievements – She may go so far as to boast about her beauty and professional success, and try to convince her children that they’re lucky to have her as their mother.

6 – NARCISSISTIC MOTHERS: IGNORING YOUR NEEDS
Some parents are remarkably sensitive to their children’s needs – I’m talking about the parent who bends over backwards to make sure her child wants for nothing – Or the parent who can’t stand to see their child sad and crying – A narcissistic mother, on the other hand, is insensitive to her children’s needs – She refuses to get emotionally involved in their lives – What counts are her needs, and her children’s ability to satisfy some of them.

7 – SHE’S IN COMPETITION WITH YOU
Do you feel you’re in competition with your mother? Is she comparing herself to you? Does she try to undermine, belittle or humiliate you?

Narcissistic mothers are often envious of their children’s youth (especially girls) – They have an unhealthy need to compare themselves to you in order to appear younger and more attractive – For this reason, they are highly critical in order to destabilize you emotionally – They may even go so far as to sabotage and ridicule you, just as a young girl would do to her worst enemy.

8 – SHE ONLY TREATS YOU WELL IN PUBLIC
In broad daylight, she wants to give a good account of herself – It’s the hallmark of a narcissist – She plays the role of a loving mother who gets on perfectly with her children – Her performance is so good that you end up believing and loving her – It’s a great performance that ends once she’s out of sight – Your mother becomes who she really is.

The dangers facing the child of a narcissist

Every child has the right to a good upbringing, to have the same chances of success as everyone else – The mother is often the child’s protector, guide and friend – Of the two parents, she is often the more empathetic and open-minded – Unfortunately, not all mothers are role models.

The impact of narcissistic mothers on their children’s lives is simply deplorable – They drain their children of every last drop of energy – Some children grow up to develop secondary narcissistic traits.

THE CHILD IS INCAPABLE OF SETTING LIMITS
A narcissistic mother is accustomed to exceeding the limits set by the child – As the child grows, he learns to live without limits – As an adult, he or she will suffer from the absence of limits – As a result, he’ll spend more time suffering than asserting himself.

SERVING OTHERS
Children have learned to be of service, and less often to please themselves – He may come to believe that his existence boils down to being there only for others, as he was with his mother – His own needs will have to take second place to those of others – His modesty will lead him not to take advantage of opportunities (love, career, well-being, etc.) for the benefit of others.

No, you come first
You’ve earned it
Don’t worry, next time it’ll be my turn.

He will also develop the need to be fully available to others, especially emotionally – By trying to soothe their emotional pain, or by trying to avoid upsetting them – In this way, the adult child feels reassured when others are, and is deeply affected when they are not.

NARCISSISTIC MOTHERS: SELF-ACCUSATION AND SELF-DEPRECATION
The narcissistic mother is a toxic person who gets inside the child’s head – She goes so far as to make him believe that what happens to him is entirely his fault – As the child grows up, with or without the person, this belief can persist – They tend to take all the blame:

It’s my fault, I’m sorry
I won’t do it again
I should have done it
Give me another chance

The adult child is unfortunately convinced that he’s a burden on society, just as his mother was – They may go so far as to denigrate themselves, or even self-harm (when the situation becomes unbearable) – The result is a loss of self-confidence due to low self-esteem.

How to survive a narcissistic mother?

It’s very difficult to live with a narcissistic mother – You may be tempted to reason with her out of love, but this is often a waste of time – The best thing to do is to think about yourself and your future – Now that you know your mother is a narcissist, you need to ask yourself how you can detox from the hold she has over you.

DEFINE YOUR LIMITS
These are the limits between the acceptable and the unacceptable – You need to learn to respect yourself, which means setting limits that others must respect (especially your mother) – Be determined to enforce them – Don’t accept excuses; it’s time to take yourself at face value – You’ll have to communicate these limits to your mother, who will be very surprised and may try to manipulate you – But don’t give in.

KEEP YOUR DISTANCE
Narcissistic mothers don’t change easily over time – And when you seem to give in, they think they can go on – One way to limit the negative impact of a narcissistic mother in your life is simply to distance yourself – You can start by avoiding communication with her, especially when it tends to end badly – As a last resort, it might be better not to see her at all.

Above all, don’t try to change her – Some victims hope to have a better mother-child relationship in adulthood – It’s not impossible, but it’s not up to you to make it happen.

DEVELOP SELF-CONTROL
Learning to control yourself in the presence of a narcissistically perverse mother will work in your favor – She’ll tend to push you out of your gangs – To show her that she doesn’t control you, learn to remain calm and respectful – Show her that you are in control of your reactions – If she finds that her attacks have no effect on you, she’ll eventually fall back on someone weaker than you.

NARCISSISTIC MOTHERS: PUT YOUR OWN NEEDS FIRST
You’ve probably put your own needs ahead of your mother’s for a long time – Know that your needs are as important to you as your mother’s are to her – Your happiness and that of your narcissistic mother are not linked – She sees you as an extension of herself, which is patently false – You are a unique individual with your own path to follow.